Turning Over A New Proverbial Leaf

"Watch where you're going, jackass!"

"Alright, smartass, you'll get what's coming to you."

"I know socks don't have a label telling you to avoid drying them in the microwave, but that doesn't make you any less of a dumbass."

Do you find yourself or your loved ones making comments like these more often than you would like?

When fashioning a degrading remark, it seems it has become fairly common-place to choose a word that may or may not be derogatory as a stand-alone, and simply attach "ass" to the end of it.

We can do better than that, everyone.

From a purely creative standpoint, our verbal scuffles often leave something to be desired. That is why, as we begin this new year, I propose we encourage one another to fling around more intelligent, interesting, and all around more insulting insults. I have been collecting more sophisticated ones for some time. Below you will find a list of a few I have selected to share with you. Try them on the next abominable individual you encounter. If you're feeling up to it, you can even try them on a remotely tolerable person who merely dabbles in jagbaggery. But please, do not do yourself, nor your insulted, the disservice of using the drab vernacular we have become accustomed to. Rather, provide them with an even greater blow to their intelligence by calling them words they have never been called before!


"Abortion"

It's not just for dead fetuses anymore. Contrary to popular belief, there's even more use for this word apart from its usual place in conversations of the controversial persuasion. Its secondary definition is "any malformed or monstrous person, thing, etc." Perfect. If you find yourself in a run-in with someone who is uncontroversially detestable, hurl this word at him.


"Morpion"

A morpion is a louse. Luckily, for the insulter, it sounds an awful lot like "scorpion." This renders it even more fun to say. For an extra kick, you could perhaps combine the two ideas and refer to your insulted as a "lousy scorpion." You should probably just stick with "morpion" for the first several times, though, to keep things simple.


"Trichina"

The dictionary defines it as a "small slender parasitic nematode worm (Trichinella spiralis) that infests the intestines of various mammals and whose larvae move through the bloodstream, becoming encysted in muscles." But who cares what the dictionary says? What matters is that it rhymes with "vagina" and that's all you need to know. Use this word sparingly.


I hope you have learned a thing or two about a thing or two and I look forward to hearing how these work out for you. More to come.


Happy insulting!

01/01/10

Life is full of contradictions. New Year's Day is a great example of this. People run around wishing each other a "Happy New Year," when, in reality, a decent amount of those people actually dread January 1st. Why? Because they make the rash decision to participate in a whimsical (read "mythical") phenomenon known as "New Year's Resolutions."

I suppose self-inflicted guilt is trendy or something. Maybe assigning a specific start date for things we should have already been doing makes us feel like we're really getting a break until New Year's - just in case the past twenty, thirty, or forty years weren't enough of a procrastination.

Maybe we never decided to lose that weight, take that class, or spend more time with our families because the timing was all wrong back in 2009. Yeah, man. The timing. The weather! The prices. The... the... load of crap.

Whatever. Two-thousand ten's gonna be different. Better! I mean, we've got new calendars now! There's no stopping us.

Maybe I'm just a sarcastic bitch* and New Year's resolutions aren't masochistic or idealistic at all. But that's neither here nor there.

What is both here and there, is this:

I resolve to have no resolutions other than the one contained within this very sentence.



And I am going to rock that resolution to the ground.






*This suggestion contains a high concentration of potential accuracy.