Dictionaries: Warming hearts, year after year.

It's almost that time of year again: The time when we flip over the December page of the calendar, realize that there were only 12 pages, and then chuck that calendar in the garbage until we get around to buying a new one mid-March. That, in case you were wondering, is the reason calendar makers always pick the shittiest pictures for January and February. Because nobody is going to see those. I'm not making this up. Or I am. Whichever.

All of this blubbering is neither here nor there. What I'm getting at is this: New year, fresh start. Which means it's time to chuck out our overused insults along with those calendars and start overusing a whole new batch. (Evidently, I like to do this every other year. Keep my VAST amount of readers ((sarcasm intended)) on their toes.)

Allow me to introduce some new words for you to get accustomed to using on your loved ones:

"duffer"

A plodding, clumsy, incompetent person. A person inept or inexperienced at a specific sport, such as golf. In the Northern United States, a duffer is an old man, especially and specifically a dull or indecisive one. The slang usage of "duffer" describes anything in the realm of being inferior, counterfeit, or useless. Clearly, there is nothing "duffer" about the word "duffer." It's exceedingly useful, and I anticipate an alarming increase in its usage in the upcoming year. Mostly by me.

"clodpate"

A blockhead; a dolt. The part of this word that excites me the most is the "clod" because it reminds me of a clod of dirt. Essentially, when I hear this word, I envision a person with a clod of dirt for a head. This insult is perfect to use on those people who choose to make less practical use of their brains than I could get out of mud.

"ninnyhammer"

A fool or simpleton. Basically, "ninnyhammer" is single-handedly revolutionizing the "ninny" experience by attaching a basic yet underutilized, underestimated, and under-appreciated handheld tool to the end of it. Hammers are powerful. This should be obvious based on the fact that they can assist in building things OR deconstructing them. Have you ever seen a hammerhead shark? If you think I'm trying to say that ninnyhammers are cool, you're confused. What I'm saying is that if someone is a "ninnyhammer", not only are they a ninny, but they're a ninny in a smashing, pulverizing way. Congratulations, ninnyhammers. You disgust me.

That's all for now. I've got things to do, people. (No, I don't.) I would like to thank dictionary.com for being so damned convenient. And for having excellent words of the day, almost every day. 

Feel free to leave any useful insults in the comments section. I enjoy a good insult, whether it be directed at me or otherwise.

Marry Poppins: Sweet, loving nanny or blood thirsty she-demon?

Mary Poppins was one of my favorite movies as a child though I'm not certain why. I watched it for the first time in probably a decade not long ago and it was not as charming as I had remembered.
For those of you who have not seen the movie, or haven't in quite some time, let me give you a brief summary. (Spoiler alert?)

IMDB's one-line synopsis is: "A magic nanny comes to work for a cold banker's unhappy family." That's putting it nicely, I suppose.

A synopsis that I think is far more accurate: "A heinous witch comes to terrorize a cold banker's innocent and unsuspecting brood of victims." And let me tell you why.
 

Basically, this family hires a nanny that first falls from the sky and then falls in love with the family's chimney sweep who is almost always covered in soot. Being that this chimney sweep's hygiene is less than superb, it is safe to assume that Mary Poppins actually put him under a love spell in order to gain leverage with the family. She then uses her powers to get the chimney sweep to help her kidnap the children and force them to jump into chalk drawings on the sidewalk that operate as rabbit holes to an alternate dimension. An evil alternate dimension, no doubt. Furthermore, she not only condones the children's drug use, but actually participates in this act of debauchery WITH them and attempts to brainwash them with euphemisms such as "spoonful of sugar". Later, she encourages them to pester a poor homeless woman, probably motivated by the drugs in attempts to acquire MORE drugs, though that part of the plot is never fully realized by the average viewer. What's more, she has conversations with her umbrella. And it talks back.

Another clear indication of witchcraft: Mary Poppins is able to tote around seemingly impossible amounts of personal belongings and produce them from out of that creepy bag whenever she feels so inclined. Oh, and she can levitate at will. That's always a sure sign. By the end of the movie, she even has succeeded in getting the once sensible banker father to participate in her black magic through reciting spells that give him an instant high. The following is an excerpt directly from the screenplay: "Supercallifragilisticexpialidocious! Mary Poppins was right, it's extraordinary! It *does* make you feel better! Hee hee hee hee!" Unbelievable.

It's one thing to be an evil witch set out to destroy lives and confuse children. It's another thing altogether to be an ARROGANT evil witch. This "woman" clearly thinks she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. In one scene, she refers to herself as "Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way." Practically atrocious in every way, Mary. Get a hold of yourself. And leave the children alone.

The bottom line is that this movie is inappropriate, terrifying, and quite frankly, a threat to the innocence of everyone everywhere. But don't take my word for it. Watch this trailer for the horror film that is Mary Poppins:

I rest my case.

Soul Surfer

I'm a coward. Always have been. Probably always will be. Let me tell you why.

I try to do one thing everyday that scares me. I could cheat and say that I succeed in this because I drive everyday, and driving scares the shivers out of me! But since it is such a routine and necessary task, I pretend it doesn't scare me as much as it does, so I don't count it since it is a (mostly) repressed fear.

But that's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm a coward because today, I failed to do anything that scared me. Yesterday, I saw the new Twilight movie, but before that? I can't remember the last thing I did that scared me. It certainly wasn't recent. Living in a foreign country scared me every day for four months, but that was a year and half ago. Skydiving was moderately nerve wracking too, but again, not recent enough to negate my feelings of cowardice.

So I started thinking about what I could do to shake this adrenal complacency. And then I remembered the single most frightening activity I have ever engaged in.

Surfing.

Now, the term "surfing", as it is used here, should be understood as more of an attempt than the actual act of surfing as it is known to most people. Flailing around in the ocean with a piece of fiberglass is a more accurate description of what I was doing, but for all intents and purposes, and for a more streamlined blogging experience, I shall refer to it henceforth as merely "surfing". Thank you for your cooperation.

So you may be asking, what's so scary about surfing? Well. What's NOT scary about surfing? Being in the ocean, drifting on a barely buoyant man made object, with no knowledge of what is lurking below you...(I have an idea: see photo at right.) Could there be anything as petrifying? Well, yes. Namely, the thought of the weight of a deadly wave engulfing your helpless body and then entangling you within itself only for you to be turbulently whipped around underwater (where, if I may remind you, people can't breathe), from whence you MIGHT resurface unscathed but you MIGHT drown or suffocate or get hit on the head with your board, your unconscious body lost amidst the bleakness of the sea only to be discovered years later by a pirate or a mermaid or a disgruntled native after having washed up on a deserted island miles from where you started.

Two of the top five scariest things to me: sharks and waves. Even the waves in my hair can't compete with the inherent terrifying nature of ocean waves. I used to have a collage of wave pictures that I made as my computer desktop just to remind me of the crushing powerful reality of the ocean. Sharks + waves = surfing. Needless to say, this water sport is, by nature, a recipe for a torturous demise. You could quite literally die at any moment. While this is naturally true of ANYone at ANY given moment, when you're in the ocean, you could quite literally die a very painful death at any given moment. And nothing is scarier to me than that. Nothing. Though driving does come in at a close second. If driving took place in the sea, I'm sure I'd hate it even more. (Now that I think of it, I guess there is such a thing as water driving. I'm pretty sure normal people refer to it as "boating". I shall promptly add this to my list of things to do when I'm sick of feeling like a coward.)

So, I drive to serve the practical purpose of getting from Point A to Point B. More often than not, it is to get to work, which I need to do to survive. But surfing is much different because it is purely a choice! And an unnecessary one at that! In fact, it's entirely designed for entertainment purposes! How strange and wonderful.

If any part of me is going to die on my watch, it will be the cowardly part. Tomorrow, I'm signing up for another surfing class.

Now if I can just get myself back into the water...