Dictionaries: Warming hearts, year after year.

It's almost that time of year again: The time when we flip over the December page of the calendar, realize that there were only 12 pages, and then chuck that calendar in the garbage until we get around to buying a new one mid-March. That, in case you were wondering, is the reason calendar makers always pick the shittiest pictures for January and February. Because nobody is going to see those. I'm not making this up. Or I am. Whichever.

All of this blubbering is neither here nor there. What I'm getting at is this: New year, fresh start. Which means it's time to chuck out our overused insults along with those calendars and start overusing a whole new batch. (Evidently, I like to do this every other year. Keep my VAST amount of readers ((sarcasm intended)) on their toes.)

Allow me to introduce some new words for you to get accustomed to using on your loved ones:

"duffer"

A plodding, clumsy, incompetent person. A person inept or inexperienced at a specific sport, such as golf. In the Northern United States, a duffer is an old man, especially and specifically a dull or indecisive one. The slang usage of "duffer" describes anything in the realm of being inferior, counterfeit, or useless. Clearly, there is nothing "duffer" about the word "duffer." It's exceedingly useful, and I anticipate an alarming increase in its usage in the upcoming year. Mostly by me.

"clodpate"

A blockhead; a dolt. The part of this word that excites me the most is the "clod" because it reminds me of a clod of dirt. Essentially, when I hear this word, I envision a person with a clod of dirt for a head. This insult is perfect to use on those people who choose to make less practical use of their brains than I could get out of mud.

"ninnyhammer"

A fool or simpleton. Basically, "ninnyhammer" is single-handedly revolutionizing the "ninny" experience by attaching a basic yet underutilized, underestimated, and under-appreciated handheld tool to the end of it. Hammers are powerful. This should be obvious based on the fact that they can assist in building things OR deconstructing them. Have you ever seen a hammerhead shark? If you think I'm trying to say that ninnyhammers are cool, you're confused. What I'm saying is that if someone is a "ninnyhammer", not only are they a ninny, but they're a ninny in a smashing, pulverizing way. Congratulations, ninnyhammers. You disgust me.

That's all for now. I've got things to do, people. (No, I don't.) I would like to thank dictionary.com for being so damned convenient. And for having excellent words of the day, almost every day. 

Feel free to leave any useful insults in the comments section. I enjoy a good insult, whether it be directed at me or otherwise.

I can't think of a smaller or heavier word than "no." So much power is held between two letters. I feel like this word sounds like it should be short for something- something much harrier.

Perhaps it is used so regularly that it is good that it be short.                                                  

Turning Over A New Proverbial Leaf

"Watch where you're going, jackass!"

"Alright, smartass, you'll get what's coming to you."

"I know socks don't have a label telling you to avoid drying them in the microwave, but that doesn't make you any less of a dumbass."

Do you find yourself or your loved ones making comments like these more often than you would like?

When fashioning a degrading remark, it seems it has become fairly common-place to choose a word that may or may not be derogatory as a stand-alone, and simply attach "ass" to the end of it.

We can do better than that, everyone.

From a purely creative standpoint, our verbal scuffles often leave something to be desired. That is why, as we begin this new year, I propose we encourage one another to fling around more intelligent, interesting, and all around more insulting insults. I have been collecting more sophisticated ones for some time. Below you will find a list of a few I have selected to share with you. Try them on the next abominable individual you encounter. If you're feeling up to it, you can even try them on a remotely tolerable person who merely dabbles in jagbaggery. But please, do not do yourself, nor your insulted, the disservice of using the drab vernacular we have become accustomed to. Rather, provide them with an even greater blow to their intelligence by calling them words they have never been called before!


"Abortion"

It's not just for dead fetuses anymore. Contrary to popular belief, there's even more use for this word apart from its usual place in conversations of the controversial persuasion. Its secondary definition is "any malformed or monstrous person, thing, etc." Perfect. If you find yourself in a run-in with someone who is uncontroversially detestable, hurl this word at him.


"Morpion"

A morpion is a louse. Luckily, for the insulter, it sounds an awful lot like "scorpion." This renders it even more fun to say. For an extra kick, you could perhaps combine the two ideas and refer to your insulted as a "lousy scorpion." You should probably just stick with "morpion" for the first several times, though, to keep things simple.


"Trichina"

The dictionary defines it as a "small slender parasitic nematode worm (Trichinella spiralis) that infests the intestines of various mammals and whose larvae move through the bloodstream, becoming encysted in muscles." But who cares what the dictionary says? What matters is that it rhymes with "vagina" and that's all you need to know. Use this word sparingly.


I hope you have learned a thing or two about a thing or two and I look forward to hearing how these work out for you. More to come.


Happy insulting!