A Tale of Star-Crossed Lovers

Once upon a time, a campus security officer was dispatched to a parking lot after a university employee reported hearing a female yelling shrilly from a parked car.

The officer approached the vehicle where a couple was in the middle of an all-out, heated fight complete with hysterical screaming. I cannot say that it was merely verbal as it had been reported that the female did throw her shoe at the male.

After calling in for back up and breaking up the fight, further investigation revealed that the conflict was over their Spring Break vacation destination. SPRING. BREAK. VACATION. DESTINATION. Supposedly MICHIGAN was a top candidate. Michigan is nothing to fret over, I assure you.

Anyways, an entire hour elapsed from the time the officer arrived on the scene to the time he cleared it. At the end of the call, the couple LEFT TOGETHER TO GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Even further investigation revealed that the male's major of study was pastoral ministries. The female's? Communication disorders.

People, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Whether this couple lived happily ever after is still up for debate.

-The End-

A beach in Michigan. It's nothing you can't find in California where said university is located.

Parks and Wreck

About a week ago, I decided I should go for a walk in a park I had never been to before. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I had "yelped" this park prior to visiting it. The HORRIFIC reviews it received only enticed me. I became curious as to whether a place as terrible as the one described by the Yelpers could actually exist.

It does.

Immediately upon arriving at this "park," I noted that the "grass" was brown and the "water" was the color grass should be. The severely destroyed and uneven walking path would have mangled the wheels on my rollerblades (a very important detail I always scope out when exploring a new park.)  Yelp had also mentioned that there would be homeless people a plenty but I would hardly call them homeless considering the nice set ups they had going on what with tents and furniture and what not. More like permanent park residents.


***Side note: there was this adorable, shy little turtle. So the place has that going for it. ------->

After snapping up a photo of that preciousness, I continued hesitantly around the lake. By the way, there is only ONE lake despite being named "TWIN Lakes Freedom Park." Talk about a let down. That's only 50% of what I was promised!

I was wallowing in my disappointment when all of a sudden, a man began to approach me at a much quicker pace than is socially acceptable for a strange man to approach a female alone in a park.

"Can I ask you a question?" he said, trying to catch up to me.

I wondered to myself, ever so briefly, whether there was a question in the world I would want to be asked by him.

There's not.

"No," I replied, still briskly walking in the opposite direction.

"Just one question!" he was not dissuaded.

"I don't have any money!" I exclaimed, my walk turning into a jog.

He sped up his pace to match mine. "That's not what I was gonna ask. I was gonna ask if you'd let me buy you a drink."

"No, thanks." Running now. (It should be noted that it is not often that I turn down free alcohol.)

"Aw, c'mon! I don't see no ring on your finger!" he said.

"Good point. Pick me up at 7," I didn't say.

Looking back on it, this poor guy was probably just a parolee who wanted to see what a foot pursuit was like from this new perspective. Perhaps it is the fact that this place is where they turn felons loose that puts the "Freedom" in "Twin Lakes Freedom Park".... But that's neither here nor there.

What WAS there was "Park Patrol"! The cute little wanna-be cop car zoomed up right in front of us, as if out of some terribly boring film where this constituted an action scene.

"Is this guy bothering you?" Mr. Park Patrol asked me.

I thought the answer was pretty obvious based on the fact that I was being CHASED. So as not to offend my suitor/murderer who was still several paces behind me, I responded non-verbally. My facial expression said to Mr. Park Patrol, "YES I AM BEING BOTHERED" and then my mouth said to him, "This isn't a very nice park...." and then my feet walked the hell out of there.

When I had gotten at least half a mile away, I was still looking over my shoulder and keeping up a quick pace. I was suddenly startled when the driver of a passing vehicle yelled out to me because I was 97% certain that I was about to become the victim of a drive by. Let me tell you, it is in that brief moment just after thinking you are going to be shot dead that having drinks with a creepy man seems preeeeeetty tolerable. But I didn't die! It was just Mr. Park Patrol yelling out his window like a fool, assuring me that he "took care of everything" back at the park. Whatever that means, I care less than I know. But good job, Mr. Park Patrol. Saving the world one dateless, ringless woman at a time.

You can rest assured that when I write up my Yelp review, I'll merely be posting a link to this very blog post.

Twin Lakes Freedom Park is NOT Leslie Knope approved. 

How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Guac

An adrenaline rush followed by clammy hands, butterflies, and a lump in your throat. A heartbeat like a conga drum, uncontrollable welling up of the eyes, and blushing cheeks. Aching in your stomach, goosebumps on your skin, and the hair on the back of your neck standing up. That's what being in love feels like, right?!? So then, I must fall in love multiple times a day!!!!!!! Let me tell you why.

1. Last night, I dropped a piece of my donut on the floor. (cool story, Hansel) ... Naturally, I still ate it. That's not the point. The point is, later on in the evening, I saw a gigantic spider and happened to stomp on it and squish it in the very spot I had dropped my donut. I thought to myself, "If I had dropped my donut AFTER I killed the spider there, would I still have eaten it?" After much less deliberation than probably should have happened, I chuckled to myself because OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE. What a ridiculous proposition to think there would be any other option. Love is feeling like there's no other option.

2. If all of my friends jumped off a bridge, I wouldn't do it. Unless I were friends with everyone in the entire world and they all jumped off a bridge. Then I would do it. Because if I were the sole survivor on this planet, who would make food for me? Love is wanting to die.

3. One day I was eating the most delicious guacamole on God's green earth and my life flashed before my eyes. This experience literally brought back memories I didn't know I had. Love is being crazy.

4. A friend was describing to me a date she had recently been on that involved cooking with her guy. She said, "there's something just so romantic about food." My first thought was: "I couldn't agree more. I DO LOVE food!" Love is being blinded to what's really going on around you.

5. I routinely hope that people don't follow their dreams unless their dreams are to work at Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, or McDonalds. If these people someday decide to make good on their aspirations to become actors, musicians, astronauts, etc...... I will be one dissatisfied customer. Love is sacrifice.

6. I stand firm in the belief that I'm single because I can't date food. Love is not acting on your desperation, and holding out for what you really want.

7. Lately, I have been daydreaming about quitting one of my jobs. I keep thinking to myself, "maybe I'll just stop showing up" (sidenote: I would never actually do that, but a girl can dream).... the number one thing that has kept me from acting on this fantasy is the fact that I keep leaving my ice cream in the break room freezer. Love is sticking around even when the going gets tough.

8. The only thing I would ever even CONSIDER consider cheating on eating with would be sleeping. It's a close second but it still won't ever happen. You know those moments when you feel like you might be too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep? Food always wins. Love is having a clear cut first choice not to be rivaled by even the most eligible runners up.

In conclusion... I'm 109% sure that my experiences with eating constitute what true love really feels like. Right? Love.... Gluttony. Toe-may-toe/Toe-mah-toe.

Nom nom nom. <3

We are all pathetic.  Some of us just really take the cake. 

Latest Night Time Thoughts

Recently, I "sleep read" a text from my cousin that said, "My neighbors are always disappearing..." As I drifted back to real sleep, I contemplated the implications of this message. I sincerely and semi-strenuously thought about why the fact that people were DISAPPEARING wasn't worth more than a text message. In my head, I pictured her neighbors literally fading from view like holograms, something I knew doesn't happen to most people. As I fell deeper and deeper into sleep I became more and more angry as to the lack of concern over this issue. Why wasn't anybody trying to do more to help keep them from disappearing?

A few weeks later, I was sleeping on a plane. I woke up and the first thing I saw was my nose from the corner of my eye. The lighting caused it to look darker than it really is. Therefore, I obviously thought I was black. And in my semi-conscious state, I didn't think this was strange in the slightest. Of course I was black. This "fact" didn't phase me at all, despite lifelong caucasian-hood prior to that point.