I work in the compliance department of a company that hires and manages truck drivers. Drivers have to pass drug tests in order to get hired. A few weeks ago, a Girl I work with got a particularly interesting call from a driver saying he didn't know what to do because he was told to leave the drug testing clinic before he could find it in his heart or bladder to urinate.
While she was on the phone, Girl realized that the rest of us in the office had tuned into this chat and were getting severe hits of joy from it. So she started repeating the stuff the driver was saying solely for our benefit. You know, like how they do in the movies when you can only hear one side of the conversation and it sounds super unrealistic because nobody would ever talk that way? Yeah. Like that. Like this!:
"What do you mean you left the clinic before they gave you your drug test?"
[Driver talking]
"I don't care if you waited 45 minutes and couldn't pee! Department of Transportation regulations clearly specify that the clinic isn't allowed to let you leave until you have waited three full hours. As a clinic, they should know that, and as a driver, you should know that too."
[Driver talking]
"Okay, sir... well, if this doesn't get cleared up it will qualify as a refusal to test, which is just as bad as having a positive result. Who exactly told you to leave? Did you get a name?"
[Driver talking]
"You don't know her name... but she looked like Snooki from Jersey Shore... Oooookay...................."
Girl calls clinic.
"Hi, my name's Girl and I'm calling from Company and I'm wondering if you by chance have a receptionist that looks like Snooki from Jersey Shore?"
[Clinic talking]
"Oh you do? Great! Because I have driver who's telling me about how........[she explains situation]"
Apparently, what ended up happening was the driver had a "shy bladder" and spent his 45 minutes at the clinic pacing around the waiting room, drinking heaps of water and ogling Snooki. Ogling turned into approaching and approaching turned into maybe possibly definitely stepping behind the desk and telling her she was beautiful which turned into "Hey, you wanna go down the street and grab a few beers with me? Maybe that would help me pee." ODDLY enough, Snooki wasn't down with that suggestion, and had security kindly escort him out of the building despite the fact that his three hours hadn't passed yet. They told him if he came back, the cops would be called immediately.
Girl called the driver back. She gave him the lip he deserved about having conveniently left out the part of the story where he sexually harassed a Snook-a-like, trying to woo her with promises of alcohol and an all around grand adventure of a time. She continued to explain to him for the next twenty minutes how this incident had rendered him ineligible for the position of driver within our company. I guess that was a concept he couldn't really grasp.
There are several morals to this story. I suppose one might benefit from printing them out and carrying them in one's wallet. Think about it.
Moral 1
If you are waiting to take a drug test for a new job, it is advisable to not pass the time waiting for your bladder to be ready by trying to take the poor tanorexic girl who does her make up in the dark out for beers WHILE SHE'S AT WORK.
Moral 2
If you've already made the mistake of ignoring the suggestion offered in Moral 1, do not attempt to lie about it to your future employer. It probably will not work and you will look like a fool.
Moral 3
You shouldn't allow trashy television to influence the standards you set for your potential mates.
Moral 4
If you've already made the mistake of ignoring the suggestion offered in Moral 3, at least go for someone who looks like JWOWW.
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