How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Guac

An adrenaline rush followed by clammy hands, butterflies, and a lump in your throat. A heartbeat like a conga drum, uncontrollable welling up of the eyes, and blushing cheeks. Aching in your stomach, goosebumps on your skin, and the hair on the back of your neck standing up. That's what being in love feels like, right?!? So then, I must fall in love multiple times a day!!!!!!! Let me tell you why.

1. Last night, I dropped a piece of my donut on the floor. (cool story, Hansel) ... Naturally, I still ate it. That's not the point. The point is, later on in the evening, I saw a gigantic spider and happened to stomp on it and squish it in the very spot I had dropped my donut. I thought to myself, "If I had dropped my donut AFTER I killed the spider there, would I still have eaten it?" After much less deliberation than probably should have happened, I chuckled to myself because OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE. What a ridiculous proposition to think there would be any other option. Love is feeling like there's no other option.

2. If all of my friends jumped off a bridge, I wouldn't do it. Unless I were friends with everyone in the entire world and they all jumped off a bridge. Then I would do it. Because if I were the sole survivor on this planet, who would make food for me? Love is wanting to die.

3. One day I was eating the most delicious guacamole on God's green earth and my life flashed before my eyes. This experience literally brought back memories I didn't know I had. Love is being crazy.

4. A friend was describing to me a date she had recently been on that involved cooking with her guy. She said, "there's something just so romantic about food." My first thought was: "I couldn't agree more. I DO LOVE food!" Love is being blinded to what's really going on around you.

5. I routinely hope that people don't follow their dreams unless their dreams are to work at Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, or McDonalds. If these people someday decide to make good on their aspirations to become actors, musicians, astronauts, etc...... I will be one dissatisfied customer. Love is sacrifice.

6. I stand firm in the belief that I'm single because I can't date food. Love is not acting on your desperation, and holding out for what you really want.

7. Lately, I have been daydreaming about quitting one of my jobs. I keep thinking to myself, "maybe I'll just stop showing up" (sidenote: I would never actually do that, but a girl can dream).... the number one thing that has kept me from acting on this fantasy is the fact that I keep leaving my ice cream in the break room freezer. Love is sticking around even when the going gets tough.

8. The only thing I would ever even CONSIDER consider cheating on eating with would be sleeping. It's a close second but it still won't ever happen. You know those moments when you feel like you might be too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep? Food always wins. Love is having a clear cut first choice not to be rivaled by even the most eligible runners up.

In conclusion... I'm 109% sure that my experiences with eating constitute what true love really feels like. Right? Love.... Gluttony. Toe-may-toe/Toe-mah-toe.

Nom nom nom. <3

We are all pathetic.  Some of us just really take the cake.