I was talking to a bartender a while back about how pretty much everybody who lives in LA is working on doing something other than what they're currently doing. Supposing she didn't intend on tending bar for the rest of her life, I asked her which path she thought she might go down.
She excitedly responded that she aspired to be "an insulting greeting card designer." Obviously intrigued, I asked her for an example.
"My best idea is a card for a baby shower," she said. "On the front it says, 'Congratulations' and on the inside it says, 'WHORE!'"
I spent a significant amount of time trying to decide whether I would be offended by such a card or find it wildly amusing.
I spent an equal amount of time genuinely hoping she has some backup ideas.
I know St. Patrick's Day was a minute ago, but I watched the Boondock Saints last week so, that got me thinking about all things Irish. One of those things being my elementary school art teacher, Ms. Morgan. Something especially Irishy about her remains burned in my brain. I was five, a wee kindergartner, with a malleable mind, waiting to be lied to. That year, Ms. Morgan, decided it would be an excellent idea to tell all us kiddos that leprechauns were real. Now, mind you, at that time in my life, my only references to leprechauns were
THIS:
and
THIS:
So when she told us that leprechauns were alive and among us, I pictured them as some combination of these two creatures. To help you get a taste, I helped makemebabies.com be the most useful it's ever been.
BAM.
Now that that's settled, I urge you to mentally insert that petrifying image into my retelling of a gross lie. LIES, rather. I shall now list the LIES that were told to SMALL CHILDREN about MYTHICAL CREATURES. (One of my biggest pet peeves.... Don't even get me started on Santa. I've blogged about him already.)
We were informed that:
1. Ms. Morgan was half leprechaun and possessed magical leprechaun powers.
2. Her brother was FULL leprechaun, and thus, miniature, and was running around the school, in need of being TRAPPED.
3. Leprechauns COULD be trapped by a device consisting ONLY of a toilet paper roll, some pipe cleaners, and a string! She had each of us make a trap and take it home to try it out on our own pesky leprechaun populations. (I can't, for the life of me, remember how this trap functioned, but I do remember that we used chocolate gold coins as bait.) You can be certain I set up my trap on the daily and did not once catch a single thing.
4. Anybody who had gold rings around their pupils had leprechaun blood. I, having such eyes, felt far superior to those of my classmates who lacked gold rings.
5. The "FOOTPRINTS" cut out of CONSTRUCTION PAPER that were found all over the school were from REAL LEPRECHAUNS.
Whatever. I'm bitter. I should get over it. I'm trying! This always helps:
I think. I think. I think we have too many people in the world with the same names.
So why don't those with "upcoming babies," as one friend of mine puts it, start branching out?
I'll help you. :) Here is a collection of words that could make for beautiful names... if only they weren't... disgusting.
No, but seriously. Think outside the box for a second and think about how these names sound/look. Try to imagine these words apart from their meanings.
For the record, I would never ever name any of my children anything like these "suggestions". I'm just being weird. If you or anyone you know is named something creepy, by all means, let me know, because I would like to personally provide those parents with kudos.
