Carstem: He is lying!

-----Original Message-----

From: Carsten Tice

Sent: Saturday, 30 July 2011 7:02 AM

To: Michael Hawkins

Subject: Contact from Tremco website

Message:

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I am attempting to do an employment verification for a past driver, Stewart Grand. He worked out of Welshpool, Western Australia. Can you advise as to where I should send the authorization forms? Thank you.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Michael Hawkins 

Sent: Sunday, July 31, 2011 4:59 PM

To: Tice, Carsten (Consultant)

Subject: FW: Contact from Tremco website

The name Stewart Grand is not familiar with us. I would need dates of his employment to check our archived system.

Regards,

Mike

_________________________________

Mike Hawkins CPA

Company Accountant

Tremco Pty Ltd

Rydalmere, NSW, Australia

-----Original Message-----

From: Tice, Carsten (Consultant) 

Sent: Friday, 5 August 2011 5:22 AM

To: Michael Hawkins

Subject: RE: Contact from Tremco website

He wrote on his application with us that he worked from February 2011 until March 2011 as a Class A Driver in a temporary position. 

Carsten Tice

-----Original Message-----

From: Michael Hawkins

Sent: Monday, 8 August, 2011 2:37 PM

To: Tice, Carsten (Consultant)

Subject: FW: Contact from Tremco website

Carstem,

He is lying !

Regards,

Mike

_________________________________

Mike Hawkins CPA

Company Accountant

Tremco Pty Ltd

Rydalmere, NSW, Australia 

This is why I love Australians.

Dictionaries: Warming hearts, year after year.

It's almost that time of year again: The time when we flip over the December page of the calendar, realize that there were only 12 pages, and then chuck that calendar in the garbage until we get around to buying a new one mid-March. That, in case you were wondering, is the reason calendar makers always pick the shittiest pictures for January and February. Because nobody is going to see those. I'm not making this up. Or I am. Whichever.

All of this blubbering is neither here nor there. What I'm getting at is this: New year, fresh start. Which means it's time to chuck out our overused insults along with those calendars and start overusing a whole new batch. (Evidently, I like to do this every other year. Keep my VAST amount of readers ((sarcasm intended)) on their toes.)

Allow me to introduce some new words for you to get accustomed to using on your loved ones:

"duffer"

A plodding, clumsy, incompetent person. A person inept or inexperienced at a specific sport, such as golf. In the Northern United States, a duffer is an old man, especially and specifically a dull or indecisive one. The slang usage of "duffer" describes anything in the realm of being inferior, counterfeit, or useless. Clearly, there is nothing "duffer" about the word "duffer." It's exceedingly useful, and I anticipate an alarming increase in its usage in the upcoming year. Mostly by me.

"clodpate"

A blockhead; a dolt. The part of this word that excites me the most is the "clod" because it reminds me of a clod of dirt. Essentially, when I hear this word, I envision a person with a clod of dirt for a head. This insult is perfect to use on those people who choose to make less practical use of their brains than I could get out of mud.

"ninnyhammer"

A fool or simpleton. Basically, "ninnyhammer" is single-handedly revolutionizing the "ninny" experience by attaching a basic yet underutilized, underestimated, and under-appreciated handheld tool to the end of it. Hammers are powerful. This should be obvious based on the fact that they can assist in building things OR deconstructing them. Have you ever seen a hammerhead shark? If you think I'm trying to say that ninnyhammers are cool, you're confused. What I'm saying is that if someone is a "ninnyhammer", not only are they a ninny, but they're a ninny in a smashing, pulverizing way. Congratulations, ninnyhammers. You disgust me.

That's all for now. I've got things to do, people. (No, I don't.) I would like to thank dictionary.com for being so damned convenient. And for having excellent words of the day, almost every day. 

Feel free to leave any useful insults in the comments section. I enjoy a good insult, whether it be directed at me or otherwise.

Verdict: Leprechauns are not real.

I know St. Patrick's Day was a minute ago, but I watched the Boondock Saints last week so, that got me thinking about all things Irish. One of those things being my elementary school art teacher, Ms. Morgan. Something especially Irishy about her remains burned in my brain. I was five, a wee kindergartner, with a malleable mind, waiting to be lied to. That year, Ms. Morgan, decided it would be an excellent idea to tell all us kiddos that leprechauns were real. Now, mind you, at that time in my life, my only references to leprechauns were

THIS:

and

THIS:

So when she told us that leprechauns were alive and among us, I pictured them as some combination of these two creatures. To help you get a taste, I helped makemebabies.com be the most useful it's ever been. 

BAM. 

Now that that's settled, I urge you to mentally insert that petrifying image into my retelling of a gross lie. LIES, rather. I shall now list the LIES that were told to SMALL CHILDREN about MYTHICAL CREATURES. (One of my biggest pet peeves.... Don't even get me started on Santa. I've blogged about him already.)

We were informed that:

1. Ms. Morgan was half leprechaun and possessed magical leprechaun powers.

2. Her brother was FULL leprechaun, and thus, miniature, and was running around the school, in need of being TRAPPED.

3. Leprechauns COULD be trapped by a device consisting ONLY of a toilet paper roll, some pipe cleaners, and a string! She had each of us make a trap and take it home to try it out on our own pesky leprechaun populations. (I can't, for the life of me, remember how this trap functioned, but I do remember that we used chocolate gold coins as bait.) You can be certain I set up my trap on the daily and did not once catch a single thing.

4. Anybody who had gold rings around their pupils had leprechaun blood. I, having such eyes, felt far superior to those of my classmates who lacked gold rings.

5. The "FOOTPRINTS" cut out of CONSTRUCTION PAPER that were found all over the school were from REAL LEPRECHAUNS.

Whatever. I'm bitter. I should get over it. I'm trying! This always helps:

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day.

What lies were YOU told as a kid?