I think. I think. I think we have too many people in the world with the same names.
So why don't those with "upcoming babies," as one friend of mine puts it, start branching out?
I'll help you. :) Here is a collection of words that could make for beautiful names... if only they weren't... disgusting.
No, but seriously. Think outside the box for a second and think about how these names sound/look. Try to imagine these words apart from their meanings.
Allergy
Anorexia
Chlamydia
Chlorine
Diarrhea
Gonorrhea
Leukemia
Marijuana
Nausea
Papilloma
Vaseline
For the record, I would never ever name any of my children anything like these "suggestions". I'm just being weird. If you or anyone you know is named something creepy, by all means, let me know, because I would like to personally provide those parents with kudos.
Go to http://www.howmanyofme.com/ and find out how many of YOU there are.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Night Time Thoughts
"I keep this notepad by my bed in the middle of the night, and I write down these ideas when I'm half asleep, and they never make any sense. ... And then I wake up, and I have these little notes that say things like, 'make everybody be twins' and 'electric toilet.' Those are not good ideas." -- Tina Fey in "Baby Mama"
First of all, this is one of the funniest movies ever. Second of all, this part of the film thrilled me because I like to keep track of my own "night-time thoughts". Deciphering them the next day is usually a challenge, but never a disappointment.
Here they are:
"Spherical wafers with chocolate in the middle."
When I awoke with this idea, I was so incredibly excited. However, I was discouraged in the daytime by friends when they informed me that such a thing already exists, and that I'd been enjoying the ones that most candy/chocolate companies already produce for years.
"Maybe God is hiding in the sun."
Absurd, yet worth looking into.
"Einige Dingen alte Leute nicht sehen wenn sie zu alte sind."
Not exactly sure why, but I wrote this one in German. At the time, it made perfect sense to do so. In English it says, "Old people not being able to see certain objects when they're too old." Let me clarify. This does not mean their vision gets worse. No, what I meant by this was that certain objects (books, chairs, what have you) become entirely invisible to people after a certain age. Like, cloak-status. Why? I couldn't tell you.
"Bean bag chairs shaped like sushi."
This one never made it to written form, as my friends were nearby when I awoke from a brief nap, and I was able to allow my stupidity to more easily be communicated through speech. In my head, these chairs were in an IKEA magazine, perhaps with some nice Japanese children sitting on them.
"Run For Your Life"
This was meant to be reminiscent of the "Realy for Life" fundraiser put on by the American Cancer Society. The twist in "Run For Your Life" is that amputees participate in a race and the winners are awarded with prosthetic limbs!
"If you picked up two ants, one in each hand, while they were in the middle of a conversation, and then pulled your hands as far apart as you could, could they still hear each other?"
With a notepad nowhere near my bed, this one got texted to me by myself in the middle of the night. In the morning, I read it, but since I don't have myself saved in my contact list, I was highly confused for a few moments as to who would text me something so ridiculous at such an odd hour. Again, I think the question is worthy of consideration, however brief.
"What if everybody's head was a giant egg and you could crack them to make giant omelettes?"
Courtesy of Sarah Garber. She texted this to me with the preface, "I think I just had a night time thought..."
"A drink made of blended strawberries and tennis balls."
Courtesy of Eddie Schmidt. This would assuredly be the world's most atrocious smoothie.
I hope you enjoyed this edition of "Night Time Thoughts" and please always keep a pen and paper near your bed!
And feel free to submit your own so that I can add them to this outrageous list.
First of all, this is one of the funniest movies ever. Second of all, this part of the film thrilled me because I like to keep track of my own "night-time thoughts". Deciphering them the next day is usually a challenge, but never a disappointment.
Here they are:
"Spherical wafers with chocolate in the middle."
When I awoke with this idea, I was so incredibly excited. However, I was discouraged in the daytime by friends when they informed me that such a thing already exists, and that I'd been enjoying the ones that most candy/chocolate companies already produce for years.
"Maybe God is hiding in the sun."
Absurd, yet worth looking into.
"Einige Dingen alte Leute nicht sehen wenn sie zu alte sind."
Not exactly sure why, but I wrote this one in German. At the time, it made perfect sense to do so. In English it says, "Old people not being able to see certain objects when they're too old." Let me clarify. This does not mean their vision gets worse. No, what I meant by this was that certain objects (books, chairs, what have you) become entirely invisible to people after a certain age. Like, cloak-status. Why? I couldn't tell you.
"Bean bag chairs shaped like sushi."
This one never made it to written form, as my friends were nearby when I awoke from a brief nap, and I was able to allow my stupidity to more easily be communicated through speech. In my head, these chairs were in an IKEA magazine, perhaps with some nice Japanese children sitting on them.
"Run For Your Life"
This was meant to be reminiscent of the "Realy for Life" fundraiser put on by the American Cancer Society. The twist in "Run For Your Life" is that amputees participate in a race and the winners are awarded with prosthetic limbs!
"If you picked up two ants, one in each hand, while they were in the middle of a conversation, and then pulled your hands as far apart as you could, could they still hear each other?"
With a notepad nowhere near my bed, this one got texted to me by myself in the middle of the night. In the morning, I read it, but since I don't have myself saved in my contact list, I was highly confused for a few moments as to who would text me something so ridiculous at such an odd hour. Again, I think the question is worthy of consideration, however brief.
"What if everybody's head was a giant egg and you could crack them to make giant omelettes?"
Courtesy of Sarah Garber. She texted this to me with the preface, "I think I just had a night time thought..."
"A drink made of blended strawberries and tennis balls."
Courtesy of Eddie Schmidt. This would assuredly be the world's most atrocious smoothie.
I hope you enjoyed this edition of "Night Time Thoughts" and please always keep a pen and paper near your bed!
And feel free to submit your own so that I can add them to this outrageous list.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
World Traveller
Once, while living in Sydney, I watched the movie "Cool Runnings."
Do you know what this means?
It means that I, a European-American, was viewing a film about Jamaicans bob-sledding in Canada, in Australia.
This still stands as the single most culturally confusing activity I have ever engaged in.
Do you know what this means?
It means that I, a European-American, was viewing a film about Jamaicans bob-sledding in Canada, in Australia.
This still stands as the single most culturally confusing activity I have ever engaged in.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Turning Over A New Proverbial Leaf
"Watch where you're going, jackass!"
"Alright, smartass, you'll get what's coming to you."
"I know socks don't have a label telling you to avoid drying them in the microwave, but that doesn't make you any less of a dumbass."
Do you find yourself or your loved ones making comments like these more often than you would like?
When fashioning a degrading remark, it seems it has become fairly common-place to choose a word that may or may not be derogatory as a stand-alone, and simply attach "ass" to the end of it.
We can do better than that, everyone.
From a purely creative standpoint, our verbal scuffles often leave something to be desired. That is why, as we begin this new year, I propose we encourage one another to fling around more intelligent, interesting, and all around more insulting insults. I have been collecting more sophisticated ones for some time. Below you will find a list of a few I have selected to share with you. Try them on the next abominable individual you encounter. If you're feeling up to it, you can even try them on a remotely tolerable person who merely dabbles in jagbaggery. But please, do not do yourself, nor your insulted, the disservice of using the drab vernacular we have become accustomed to. Rather, provide them with an even greater blow to their intelligence by calling them words they have never been called before!
"Abortion"
It's not just for dead fetuses anymore. Contrary to popular belief, there's even more use for this word apart from its usual place in conversations of the controversial persuasion. Its secondary definition is "any malformed or monstrous person, thing, etc." Perfect. If you find yourself in a run-in with someone who is uncontroversially detestable, hurl this word at him.
"Morpion"
A morpion is a louse. Luckily, for the insulter, it sounds an awful lot like "scorpion." This renders it even more fun to say. For an extra kick, you could perhaps combine the two ideas and refer to your insulted as a "lousy scorpion." You should probably just stick with "morpion" for the first several times, though, to keep things simple.
"Trichina"
The dictionary defines it as a "small slender parasitic nematode worm (Trichinella spiralis) that infests the intestines of various mammals and whose larvae move through the bloodstream, becoming encysted in muscles." But who cares what the dictionary says? What matters is that it rhymes with "vagina" and that's all you need to know. Use this word sparingly.
I hope you have learned a thing or two about a thing or two and I look forward to hearing how these work out for you. More to come.
Happy insulting!
"Alright, smartass, you'll get what's coming to you."
"I know socks don't have a label telling you to avoid drying them in the microwave, but that doesn't make you any less of a dumbass."
Do you find yourself or your loved ones making comments like these more often than you would like?
When fashioning a degrading remark, it seems it has become fairly common-place to choose a word that may or may not be derogatory as a stand-alone, and simply attach "ass" to the end of it.
We can do better than that, everyone.
From a purely creative standpoint, our verbal scuffles often leave something to be desired. That is why, as we begin this new year, I propose we encourage one another to fling around more intelligent, interesting, and all around more insulting insults. I have been collecting more sophisticated ones for some time. Below you will find a list of a few I have selected to share with you. Try them on the next abominable individual you encounter. If you're feeling up to it, you can even try them on a remotely tolerable person who merely dabbles in jagbaggery. But please, do not do yourself, nor your insulted, the disservice of using the drab vernacular we have become accustomed to. Rather, provide them with an even greater blow to their intelligence by calling them words they have never been called before!
"Abortion"
It's not just for dead fetuses anymore. Contrary to popular belief, there's even more use for this word apart from its usual place in conversations of the controversial persuasion. Its secondary definition is "any malformed or monstrous person, thing, etc." Perfect. If you find yourself in a run-in with someone who is uncontroversially detestable, hurl this word at him.
"Morpion"
A morpion is a louse. Luckily, for the insulter, it sounds an awful lot like "scorpion." This renders it even more fun to say. For an extra kick, you could perhaps combine the two ideas and refer to your insulted as a "lousy scorpion." You should probably just stick with "morpion" for the first several times, though, to keep things simple.
"Trichina"
The dictionary defines it as a "small slender parasitic nematode worm (Trichinella spiralis) that infests the intestines of various mammals and whose larvae move through the bloodstream, becoming encysted in muscles." But who cares what the dictionary says? What matters is that it rhymes with "vagina" and that's all you need to know. Use this word sparingly.
I hope you have learned a thing or two about a thing or two and I look forward to hearing how these work out for you. More to come.
Happy insulting!
Friday, January 1, 2010
01/01/10
Life is full of contradictions. New Year's Day is a great example of this. People run around wishing each other a "Happy New Year," when, in reality, a decent amount of those people actually dread January 1st. Why? Because they make the rash decision to participate in a whimsical (read "mythical") phenomenon known as "New Year's Resolutions."
I suppose self-inflicted guilt is trendy or something. Maybe assigning a specific start date for things we should have already been doing makes us feel like we're really getting a break until New Year's - just in case the past twenty, thirty, or forty years weren't enough of a procrastination.
Maybe we never decided to lose that weight, take that class, or spend more time with our families because the timing was all wrong back in 2009. Yeah, man. The timing. The weather! The prices. The... the... load of crap.
Whatever. Two-thousand ten's gonna be different. Better! I mean, we've got new calendars now! There's no stopping us.
Maybe I'm just a sarcastic bitch* and New Year's resolutions aren't masochistic or idealistic at all. But that's neither here nor there.
What is both here and there, is this:
I resolve to have no resolutions other than the one contained within this very sentence.
And I am going to rock that resolution to the ground.
*This suggestion contains a high concentration of potential accuracy.
I suppose self-inflicted guilt is trendy or something. Maybe assigning a specific start date for things we should have already been doing makes us feel like we're really getting a break until New Year's - just in case the past twenty, thirty, or forty years weren't enough of a procrastination.
Maybe we never decided to lose that weight, take that class, or spend more time with our families because the timing was all wrong back in 2009. Yeah, man. The timing. The weather! The prices. The... the... load of crap.
Whatever. Two-thousand ten's gonna be different. Better! I mean, we've got new calendars now! There's no stopping us.
Maybe I'm just a sarcastic bitch* and New Year's resolutions aren't masochistic or idealistic at all. But that's neither here nor there.
What is both here and there, is this:
I resolve to have no resolutions other than the one contained within this very sentence.
And I am going to rock that resolution to the ground.
*This suggestion contains a high concentration of potential accuracy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)