U.S. GEOGRAPHY 101

A few days ago, my dentist was conversing with me, as dentists annoyingly do, while cleaning my teeth.

Dentist: So where are you from, again?

Me: Chja;ifjwslk.

Dentist: Sorry, what? [takes hands out of my mouth]

Me: Chicago.

----------------------------

That's not the problem.

This is the problem:



Dentist: Ohhh so does your family still live in Chicago?

Me: Yeah.

Dentist: Oh so are they okay after the earthquake?

 Me: *Face-palm*


Sadly, she is not the first person who has asked me this this week.

At what point did Chicago gravitate to the east coast? I've been asking myself this often over the past four years of living in California where apparently nobody has the slightest inklings about the most basic geographical facts about the United States. I  don't expect everyone to know the precise latitude and longitude of all fifty states. I really don't. But I feel like many Californians need to at least look at a map once every ten years or so to refresh their memory about the different regions in general.

What a normal citizen envisions when they think of a map of the United States of America:

What a Californian envisions when they think of a map of the United States of America:

 

This by no means is to say that Californians aren't great for a lot of other reasons. I love them! They're crazy! My friend's dad says California is like a granola bar- filled with fruits, flakes, and nuts. I happen to have a great affinity for granola bars. That is why I still live here. 

This ALSO isn't to say that I know everything in the WORLD! Of course I don't! Did I say that??? It's a free country, dammit. Maybe you should start a blog about everything about me that annoys you. Good luck with your readership.

Axl Rose. A True Story.

It's that time again. Time for yet another installment of the chronicles of the exceedingly irrelevant and absolutely insignificant coincidences of my life.


A few years ago, I was over at a friend's house. He, being a classic rock lover, and I, being a classic fool, had a conversation that went something like this:




Friend: Blah, blah, blah, blah, guitars, blah blah blahhhhh, music, blah blah BLhaaHAhaHAHa, Axl Rose, blah blah bliggity blah blah blah.


Carsten: Who's Axl Rose, again?


Friend: WHAT? You don't know who AXL ROSE is? GUNS N' ROSES?.... I DATED YOU??? [Slew of expletives.]


Carsten: I'm... Sorry?



The next day, I was hangin' out with my Pops, watchin' TV and eatin' food and what not. OUR conversation went something like this:




Pops: Carst, I had the strangest dream last night!


Carsten: Oh  yeah, Pops? What about?


Pops: I dreamt that you didn't know who Axl Rose was.... weird!


Carsten: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......






My friend and my father do not communicate and I had not told anyone about the conversation from the previous night. To my knowledge, nobody had seen any documentaries on Guns N' Roses in the recent past, and my friend lives far enough away from my parents' house as to render eavesdropping from across the expanse physically impossible.


So.... basically, my dad can read minds. Just like my sister. It's the only feasible explanation.


All that to say, I now know exactly this many more things about Axl Rose than I did before: One. (He is from Guns N' Roses).

A Courtly Contrivance

My sister, Alexis Renee, has always enjoyed parties, as is evident from the photograph. When she was just a little tyke, perhaps five years of age or so, I decided to take advantage of the fact that I was four years older than her, and thus equipped with infinitely more cunning. In the same swift blow I would take advantage of Alexis's fondness for parties. I intended do so with a special invitation addressed to her from none other than an allegedly magical queen.

I personally hand delivered this letter, written on plain wide-ruled paper, to my sister. Her face lit up with excitement as she studied the writing. Moments after opening it, when she remembered she didn't know how to read, I was granted the honor of reading it aloud to her.


Dear Alexis,

I would like to extend to you an invitation to join me at my castle for a party!
Please arrive at four o' clock. See you then!

Fondly,

The Queen


Needless to say, Alexis was beyond excited. She was so excited, in fact, that she even neglected to put shoes on before I began leading the way to the "castle", which, much to her surprise, was located but a block away from our house! She asked me what she would find there. I told her the interior was built something like an enchanted playground, with slides and ball pits galore, and that all her friends were also invited.

Before we had gone a mere twenty yards, I could no longer contain myself and erupted in fit of laughter. I will never forget the look on her face as I stopped and turned to face her. She looked utterly dejected as I proclaimed that there was no queen, there was no castle, and there certainly was no party.

I still often tease her about having been so gullible, though she was quite young. Either way, my heart now undergoes a series of hiccups as I ponder the internal goings on of my mind in between the moment that I first crafted such a devious plot and the moment when I revealed the truth to her. I cannot think of many catalysts for such a cruel deed on my part. The only semi logical explanation I can procure is that perhaps I wished to learn something by observing my sister's reaction to the whole thing. It is almost as if during my design of such a ruse, a part of me longed to believe in anything as faithfully as I knew she would believe in this.