U.S. GEOGRAPHY 101

A few days ago, my dentist was conversing with me, as dentists annoyingly do, while cleaning my teeth.

Dentist: So where are you from, again?

Me: Chja;ifjwslk.

Dentist: Sorry, what? [takes hands out of my mouth]

Me: Chicago.

----------------------------

That's not the problem.

This is the problem:



Dentist: Ohhh so does your family still live in Chicago?

Me: Yeah.

Dentist: Oh so are they okay after the earthquake?

 Me: *Face-palm*


Sadly, she is not the first person who has asked me this this week.

At what point did Chicago gravitate to the east coast? I've been asking myself this often over the past four years of living in California where apparently nobody has the slightest inklings about the most basic geographical facts about the United States. I  don't expect everyone to know the precise latitude and longitude of all fifty states. I really don't. But I feel like many Californians need to at least look at a map once every ten years or so to refresh their memory about the different regions in general.

What a normal citizen envisions when they think of a map of the United States of America:

What a Californian envisions when they think of a map of the United States of America:

 

This by no means is to say that Californians aren't great for a lot of other reasons. I love them! They're crazy! My friend's dad says California is like a granola bar- filled with fruits, flakes, and nuts. I happen to have a great affinity for granola bars. That is why I still live here. 

This ALSO isn't to say that I know everything in the WORLD! Of course I don't! Did I say that??? It's a free country, dammit. Maybe you should start a blog about everything about me that annoys you. Good luck with your readership.

Jesus Made Me Do It

At work today, I was reading an injury report filled out by one of our truck drivers. These consist of a series of questions relating to the driver's injury and the surrounding incidents. As I was perusing the report, I was befuddled by this particular driver's answers to some of the questions:

Question: Who was the injury reported to?

Answer: First to Jesus, then to [our company.]


Okay... I can understand if that may have been his answer. However, I'm not sure if I would have written it out on the official injury report...


Continuing on, I came to another interesting answer.


Question: How could this incident have been avoided?

Answer: It could have been avoided if I did not pull from the handle. (Note: I was instructed by Jesus to pull from the handle.)

Okay. At this point I was feeling like this was getting  a bit ridiculous. I understand there are many people in the world who are very in tune with their religious beliefs. But, really? This seemed like a pretty odd variant of "the devil made me do it." I don't feel like this would hold up in any kind of worker's compensation claim.

As my neighboring coworkers had already gone home for the evening, I sat there, wondering aloud to myself and being generally distraught and quite confused about this report for a good long while.

Then, as if it fell from Heaven, I was struck by a very important detail that I had been overlooking the entire time:


I live and work in Southern California where there are many, many Hispanic males named "Jesus."


Thank you, Christian college.

Tut tut... Looks like danger.

It's been raining a lot here in Southern California. For some reason, this is incredibly important to most people. You might be asking yourself, why, Carsten? Why is rain such a big deal?

I'm sorry that I cannot answer that question for you. I have no bloody clue why it is such a big deal.

Being from Chicagoland, I find the average Californian's reaction to rain to elicit within me an equal mixture of amusement and infuriation.

Will someone please explain to me how rain necessitates driving 15 miles an hour under the speed limit? I solemnly swear that you are not going to hydroplane at 25 mph. Based on the way they operate their vehicles, people out here seem to equate droplets of water falling from the sky with something far more dangerous. Like balls of fire. Or gorillas.

I have assembled a diagram to help those in need learn when it is appropriate to freak out about falling objects.

Somebody once asked me why I was going to wear sandals when it was raining. Why the hell wouldn't I? In case they get wet??? I don't understand! Your shoes are going to get far soggier than my sandals. Oy, vey.

The following dialogue is a representation of the kinds of conversations I've overheard countless times:

Rain-o-phobe #1: I can't believe it's raining. This sucks.
Rain-o-phobe #2: I know! There goes our movie plans!
Rain-o-phobe #1: Hopefully it will clear up by tomorrow.
Rain-o-phobe #2: Yeah, or else this whole weekend is ruined!

Even if you are deathly afraid of water, it is still highly possible for you to safely make it from your indoor location to another indoor location via the comfortable environment of your own automobile.

My Facebook newsfeed blows up with rain related statuses. In fact, it seems like those types of statuses are just as, if not more, numerous than the amount of earthquake related ones that I'm bombarded with after a quake. Really.

Rain is a part of nature. It's naturally occurring. You are also a part of nature. Please proceed with your life.