All I've Ever Wanted

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." -- Oscar Wilde


I ask you to seriously ruminate over this question:

What would your life would be like right now if you had gotten everything you've ever wanted?

Personally, I can't even fully comprehend how much my life would suck if this were the case. Everything I've ever wanted?  Let's consider the ways this would have royally screwed me over:

• My career path would be a hot mess. I mean, when I was little, I wanted to be everything from a marine biologist to a "famous movie producer". How would that work? I suppose I'd be producing a lot of films about sea creatures. Highly impractical and overdone.

• My love life would resemble that of a polygamist's. Considering the fact that most young girls hear wedding bells every time their little crushes walk into the room, I'd have husbands galore. Handfuls of husbands! Maybe numbering into the thousands! (Joke?) More than unnecessary, this would be traumatic and exhausting.

• My residing location would require teleportation. I've wanted to live in a lot places. If I could, I'd live in them all SIMULTANEOUSLY! However, due to the fact that my body is bound by something called TIME, this is unlikely to happen. In this case, getting what I want would actually require the laws of physics to collapse at my every whim.

In all seriousness, the reason I ask this question is because I think that thinking about what we want is awfully important.

What we want becomes what we do.

And it's hard for me to think of many things that are more important than our actions.

I urge you to take part in this thought experiment for yourself if you feel so inclined. I know that it has helped me to appreciate what I have and how I've come to be where I am now.

Thank God for not getting everything we want.

The iPhoneless: We do what we can to get by.

So iPhones are all the rage. I mean, everyone has one. Don't you? I don't. My dad does. He says he needs it for business. (He's a high school gym teacher.... ????) But that's neither here nor there.

What's both here and there is this:

The novelty of the iPhone is stealing the thunder of some other shining stars of inventions.

Must I remind you of....

• DUCT TAPE??? It holds things to other things.

• TOILETS??? Highly... HIGHLY under-celebrated.

• STEERING WHEELS?????? You can buy colorful covers for those TOO, you know!

• The "H" key??? Ow would you feel if everyting you read looked like tis because tere was no suc ting as the [letter that alpabetically proceeds "i"] key???
  
  
  

• STONES?!?!?

 

http://www.walyou.com/blog/2008/10/14/funny-iphone-3g-facts/

I don't know who the masterminds behind these things are. It's a shame their lives have not been more emphatically recognized considering all the benefits we have reaped from them.

I have theorized about the possibility that I am merely bitter because my lifestyle is not conducive to being an iPhone owner, and here's why:

1) I am broke.

2) I am prone to dropping delicate electronics.

3) I am not near patient enough to wait in a curiously long line to procure one.

And even if the above three things weren't true:

4) I have palmar hyperhidrosis to an extent that renders me physically unable to operate a touch screen on any level. 

Basically, the essence of this post can be captured in a single sentence: I, the sweaty-handed/iPhoneless loser covet yours.

The End.

Name Game

I think. I think. I think we have too many people in the world with the same names.

So why don't those with "upcoming babies," as one friend of mine puts it, start branching out?

I'll help you. :) Here is a collection of words that could make for beautiful names... if only they weren't... disgusting.

No, but seriously. Think outside the box for a second and think about how these names sound/look. Try to imagine these words apart from their meanings.

Allergy
Anorexia
Chlamydia
Chlorine
Diarrhea
Gonorrhea
Leukemia
Marijuana
Nausea
Papilloma
Vaseline


For the record, I would never ever name any of my children anything like these "suggestions". I'm just being weird. If you or anyone you know is named something creepy, by all means, let me know, because I would like to personally provide those parents with kudos.



Go to http://www.howmanyofme.com/ and find out how many of YOU there are.

Night Time Thoughts

"I keep this notepad by my bed in the middle of the night, and I write down these ideas when I'm half asleep, and they never make any sense. ... And then I wake up, and I have these little notes that say things like, 'make everybody be twins' and 'electric toilet.' Those are not good ideas." -- Tina Fey in "Baby Mama"


First of all, this is one of the funniest movies ever. Second of all, this part of the film thrilled me because I like to keep track of my own "night-time thoughts". Deciphering them the next day is usually a challenge, but never a disappointment.


Here they are:


"Spherical wafers with chocolate in the middle."

When I awoke with this idea, I was so incredibly excited. However, I was discouraged in the daytime by friends when they informed me that such a thing already exists, and that I'd been enjoying the ones that most candy/chocolate companies already produce for years.


"Maybe God is hiding in the sun."

Absurd, yet worth looking into.


"Einige Dingen alte Leute nicht sehen wenn sie zu alte sind."

Not exactly sure why, but I wrote this one in German. At the time, it made perfect sense to do so. In English it says, "Old people not being able to see certain objects when they're too old." Let me clarify. This does not mean their vision gets worse. No, what I meant by this was that certain objects (books, chairs, what have you) become entirely invisible to people after a certain age. Like, cloak-status. Why? I couldn't tell you.


"Bean bag chairs shaped like sushi."

This one never made it to written form, as my friends were nearby when I awoke from a brief nap, and I was able to allow my stupidity to more easily be communicated through speech. In my head, these chairs were in an IKEA magazine, perhaps with some nice Japanese children sitting on them.


"Run For Your Life"

This was meant to be reminiscent of the "Realy for Life" fundraiser put on by the American Cancer Society. The twist in "Run For Your Life" is that amputees participate in a race and the winners are awarded with prosthetic limbs!


"If you picked up two ants, one in each hand, while they were in the middle of a conversation, and then pulled your hands as far apart as you could, could they still hear each other?"

With a notepad nowhere near my bed, this one got texted to me by myself in the middle of the night. In the morning, I read it, but since I don't have myself saved in my contact list, I was highly confused for a few moments as to who would text me something so ridiculous at such an odd hour. Again, I think the question is worthy of consideration, however brief.


"What if everybody's head was a giant egg and you could crack them to make giant omelettes?"

Courtesy of Sarah Garber. She texted this to me with the preface, "I think I just had a night time thought..."


"A drink made of blended strawberries and tennis balls."

Courtesy of Eddie Schmidt. This would assuredly be the world's most atrocious smoothie.



I hope you enjoyed this edition of "Night Time Thoughts" and please always keep a pen and paper near your bed!

And feel free to submit your own so that I can add them to this outrageous list.

World Traveller

Once, while living in Sydney, I watched the movie "Cool Runnings."

Do you know what this means?

It means that I, a European-American, was viewing a film about Jamaicans bob-sledding in Canada, in Australia.

This still stands as the single most culturally confusing activity I have ever engaged in.