Harrowing Headwear Happenings

I was at Urban Outfitters on Black Friday night and happened to pick up a fedora not unlike the one pictured. For whatever reason, I also happened to notice that the tag on the inside read:

"Not for children under 14."

How this hat would be of harm to persons under ANY age is beyond me, but your suggestions are warmly, nay, ferociously invited.

Santa's Slovenly Shenanigans

I texted Santa tonight. The real Santa. Santa Claus. It's true. I found his number online. It's 1224. That's his number. Get it? Like, 12/24. Christmas Eve! How clever. I wonder how famous you have to be to get your cell phone number shortened to a mere four digits. Probably pretty famous.

But I digress. The following is our textual conversation in its entirety:

Me: Are you really Santa?

Santa: Just received your wish list! Isn't it great I can receive texts? even at the North Pole!? I will look over your list now, but you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why... I'm coming to town soon! Ho Ho Ho! Sincerely, Santa Claus

Me: Thanks for answering my question, Santa. I hate you.

Santa: You're very welcome. Ho Ho Ho! - Santa

Me: You obviously misunderstood.

Santa: Hi there! Nice List! It's the most wonderful time of the year, isn't it? My elves and I have been working hard in our shop. I hope you're staying busy singing carols, hanging mistletoe and above all, being nice! Ho Ho Ho! Sincerely, Santa Claus




Santa is a jackass.



Merry Christmas.

Witches

I was somewhere between the ages of seven and ten. My siblings and I must have been tucked into our beds for a decent amount of time because as I stared at the ceiling from my top bunk, I remember thinking that I was probably the only one still awake. It always made me feel kind of scared when that happened. I was not fond of the stillness of being the only conscious person in a room.

At this point in my life, I was especially fearful of the supernatural. I went through a very long phase of being terrified of witches. On this particular night, I lay there, aware of my every breath, believing that any sudden movement may provoke an unknown entity to action. In my head, I was going through everything I knew about witches. As I was about halfway through my mental witch Rolodex (???) my little sister uttered a phrase from the bottom bunk that caused my blood to curdle and my bones to chill:

"Carsten," she breathed solemnly. "Witches aren't real, you know."

Let's just say I am unaware of how I remained in control of my bladder at that moment. There was absolutely no reason she should have said that. I was not talking about witches earlier in the day. We had not watched a film containing witches anytime in the distant past. It was not common knowledge that I was afraid of witches. I asked her why she said that. She said she didn't know.

So now, whenever a creepy coincidence involving both of us happens, she always says, "Wiiiiiitches!!!!" Yeah, it's cute. But it doesn't change the fact that, to this day, I consider that story one of the most petrifying coincidences of my life.

2008

I was looking around my posts today (December 14th, 2009) and noticed that I had one unpublished one. I began writing it on 5/23/08. Would you like to see it? It doesn't matter. I'm still going to show you:


jar of jellybeans on the counter.

note: do not eat jellybeans before dinner!



girl comes in

[end post]



Being that this is the only post I had even come close to writing in 2008, I guess you could say it sums up my existence during that year. I didn't even publish it. What a great year for my blog. What a great year for my life. Maybe now you understand why I felt the need to publish this worthless garbage: so that you would feel sorry for me and how pathetic I am.

I do not have the slightest idea where I was going with this post. Is this story about the jelly beans something that actually happened in my life, or was it fictional? What was the girl going to do when she entered the room? What would happen to her if she were to eat the jelly beans before dinner? I really don't know so do us both a favor and stop wondering. We'll never know, okay? I don't remember. I don't know anything! For all I know, jelly beans don't even exist.

There. Now I have produced something to represent an entire calendar year for which this blog was in a comatose state, were that possible.

I hope you're happy.

A Courtly Contrivance

My sister, Alexis Renee, has always enjoyed parties, as is evident from the photograph. When she was just a little tyke, perhaps five years of age or so, I decided to take advantage of the fact that I was four years older than her, and thus equipped with infinitely more cunning. In the same swift blow I would take advantage of Alexis's fondness for parties. I intended do so with a special invitation addressed to her from none other than an allegedly magical queen.

I personally hand delivered this letter, written on plain wide-ruled paper, to my sister. Her face lit up with excitement as she studied the writing. Moments after opening it, when she remembered she didn't know how to read, I was granted the honor of reading it aloud to her.


Dear Alexis,

I would like to extend to you an invitation to join me at my castle for a party!
Please arrive at four o' clock. See you then!

Fondly,

The Queen


Needless to say, Alexis was beyond excited. She was so excited, in fact, that she even neglected to put shoes on before I began leading the way to the "castle", which, much to her surprise, was located but a block away from our house! She asked me what she would find there. I told her the interior was built something like an enchanted playground, with slides and ball pits galore, and that all her friends were also invited.

Before we had gone a mere twenty yards, I could no longer contain myself and erupted in fit of laughter. I will never forget the look on her face as I stopped and turned to face her. She looked utterly dejected as I proclaimed that there was no queen, there was no castle, and there certainly was no party.

I still often tease her about having been so gullible, though she was quite young. Either way, my heart now undergoes a series of hiccups as I ponder the internal goings on of my mind in between the moment that I first crafted such a devious plot and the moment when I revealed the truth to her. I cannot think of many catalysts for such a cruel deed on my part. The only semi logical explanation I can procure is that perhaps I wished to learn something by observing my sister's reaction to the whole thing. It is almost as if during my design of such a ruse, a part of me longed to believe in anything as faithfully as I knew she would believe in this.